It's okay to be vulnerable. Say that to yourself. We are all human. None of us are perfect.
I’ve been really honest with you guys about my struggles with anxiety and panic disorder. I think it’s really important to share your journey , even the hard stuff and especially the stuff with a stupid stigma attached to it. I’m proud that many of you have reached out to me to share your own struggles and I’d like to think that Ive been able to help people through the things I’ve written and the conversations I’ve opened. Anyway, I’ve been struggling lately. It’s been bad. Multiple panic attacks a day, and just feeling really anxious all the time. Driving is a HUGE trigger for me ( I had my first panic attack in a car) and I thought I’d beaten that for awhile. It came back suddenly , and I was waking up 3 hours early and leaving at ridiculous times to get my drive over with. I have even been too anxious to drive with Sawyer. This made me feel like a huge failure as a mother. I was feeling so defeated about this because I thought I’d beaten it and surprise it came back. Panic disorder is weird because it hits you suddenly , no reason at all. For me it usually only happens while driving, in huge crowds, and when I’m home alone. Anyway, I’ve been fighting and fighting since Christmas...the only way I know how ( meds and exercise ) and by the way, I so believe exercise is the best medicine. I can finally feel that ick lifting and I realize how hard we are on ourselves when we’re going through stuff. It’s so easy to tell yourself “I can’t even drive with my kid, I’m a bad mother” or “ why can’t I just feel normal?.” I was running on my machine after work today and was having a ton of negative thoughts about EVERYTHING from my body image to my ability to be a good parent , and suddenly I realized that enough is enough. That voice is NOT me. That voice is anxiety. The funny thing is no one even knows how negatively I ( and all of us probably) speak to ourselves. It’s just as damaging to speak to yourself in an unkind way as it is to speak to another person that way isn’t it? I need to be kinder to myself. We ALL need to be kinder to ourselves. Healing is not linear . It’s okay to feel bad and it’s okay to struggle . Everyone has setbacks sometimes in all aspects of life. Your setbacks do not define you as a woman, or human, or parent. They do not make you weak, or ugly, or inadequate. There is too much ugliness in this world to speak in an ugly way to yourself. It’s damaging. Enough is enough. “You are brave and strong and beautiful.” That’s more like it. ❤️
I posted this on my personal face book page last week and was overwhelmed by the support and outreach I received! So many of you shared your journeys with me! I believe we are all stronger together!
A few days after I posted this, I was able to get up to the courage to take my daughter Sawyer out and about for the very first time just the two of us! It was incredibly empowering! Check out my little shopper clapping happily on our "girl's day".